Sasuke Uchiha: Vengeance Extraordinaire
by WaffaGuy
Summary: Uchiha Sasuke has dreamed of vengeance, power, and tomatoes. What lies above the fanfictions that put him as an ass? All of his obsessions above and more, humorously rewritten. CrackFic/Mockfic
1. Tomato, my love

a.k.a Why you shouldn't mess with Tomato-chan

* * *

Feigndeath: Yeah… a random thought that takes consideration of Sasuke's love for tomatoes to a very extreme level.

* * *

Legends

"Words"

'_Thoughts'_

_Flashback/exaggeration_

* * *

'This is bad…' Sasuke thought. Kakashi had been fighting for some time now and neither seemed to have the upper hand. Of course, there was the situation with the fake hunter-nin but Naruto had it covered.

There was an option of surrendering, but that would mean failing the mission and a person killed. The enemy was too strong, even for his teacher… _'Damn it! We're going to die? No! Maybe… if I gave her to them as a peace offering, maybe we can broker a deal'_ Sasuke almost cried at the notion but, his team was more important.

"Wait!" Sasuke yelled, and both his teammate and the fake hunter-nin turned their attention to him. "Maybe we can make a deal? My most valuable belongings for sparing my team and our client" Sasuke yelled even louder, now attracting both the elder shinobi.

"It seems like one of your brats would like this to end?" Zabuza laughed slightly, "I'd thought you'd train your team better than that."

"Sasuke is very level-headed, I don't think he'd say that without thinking through it first, Zabuza." Kakashi stated "Maybe we can talk this out, ne?"

The swordsman scoffed "I doubt that your brat has enough money to bribe me"

"You'd be surprised… Who knows? Sasuke _is_ part of a rich clan."

"…"

"You may be able to afford a harem!" Kakashi added

"…"

* * *

"So kid, what's your proposition?" Zabuza asked menacingly. After all, for all he knew, the kid was bluffing.

Sasuke reached for his bag and then took a round object "This" He said simply, holding up a tomato, a fancy tomato, but a tomato nevertheless. Haku gasped, but that was probably from the shock of a tomato being used as a bargaining chip.

Zabuza laughed, and took the tomato in his hand. "This? This is what you want to pay me with?" He then squeezed the tomato really hard.

"Zabuza-sama! No!" Haku yelled, but it was too late, the tomato had exploded into pieces, the red liquid covering the brat's face along with some water?

No…

The brat was crying! He was crying for a tomato?

"Uh… Zabuza-sama… that tomato…" Haku started timidly, "Was worth well over what Gato was paying us"

What?

"What?" Zabuza aked incredulously

"The Bounty Hunters Weekly says that the Tomato of Uchiha Sasuke was worth over one hundred million yen, and that's just the base price!"

"What the hell do you mean by that?" Zabuza asked.

"Uchiha fangirls around the world pay big money for anything belonging to him, food items are highly demanded! You'd know about this if you read the fangirl stock market!"

"..."

"_You…"_ The brat's voice whispered, "killed my only friend I could ever trust" _Damn_ _I feel guilty now _Zabuza thought. The brat raised his head and the Mangekyou Sharingan was revealed.

_Fuck_

* * *

"So that's the end of my report Hokage-sama" Kakashi stated

"…" The Sandaime was silent, his calm hiding the tornado of emotions inside of him.

"Is that why Sasuke was sulking in his family's tomato field with a giant skeleton comforting him?"

* * *

"Come on Sasuke! You gotta move on!" Naruto yelled at him. The skeleton nodded.

"Yeah! If you're going to mope like that then you're never going to find another friend!" Sakura added.

"You might never know, maybe another tomato is like yours is out there" Haku said encouragingly.

"Kid" Zabuza appeared after wandering the fields for a while, holding a tomato. Sasuke gasped as the tomato shown in the light.

"Tomato-chan! You're alive!"

"Catch!" Zabuza threw the tomato at Sasuke. Maybe a bit _too__ hard._

_The red painted face of Uchiha Sasuke only served to make his Mangekyou Sharingan more fearsome_

_FUCK!_

**END**


	2. You Power is Mine

Your Power is Mine

Feigndeath: You know those fanfics where Sasuke has an obsession with stuff Naruto gets? Yeah… this takes it up to a disturbingly high levels.

Disclaimer: I don't really own Naruto and I don't really want too…

* * *

Legends

"Words"

'_Thoughts'_

_Flashback/exaggeration_

* * *

"Where does Naruto get all that power?" Sasuke wondered on the hospital bed. Today, no one visited him and frankly, it was boring.

"Does he get it from these _bonds he _speaks of? No, of course not… A demonic god he secretly worships? Nah that's ridiculous… Maybe it was his… Yes that's it! No wonder he does that!" His amazing breakthrough rant was cut off when his bed collapsed.

"Naruto, your power is running through my veins! I can feel it, it accepts me as a worthy owner. This is destined for my use! I will beat Itachi with this power!" Sasuke laughed madly as he ran to the village gates, and onto the town Itachi was last seen.

"Damn it Sasuke, give my stuff back! I need it and you look ridiculous!" Naruto yelled at Sasuke as he chased him.

"No! Your power is mine now! No take backs! Have my house keys or something, these are mine now, _Dobe_" Sasuke yelled back.

"Damn it Sasuke! I'll kill you if you don't give it back" Naruto shook his fist as he continued to chase Sasuke.

* * *

Itachi stared down at his younger brother "… Little brother, it seems you have lost something in gaining hatred"

"Stop mocking me Itachi! These things… this gave me power!" Sasuke yelled back. "All those things you said about power... it isn't true! This... this... though, it gave me real power! Nii-san, This gave me power, more than I could have thought of! This gave me more power than even you could achieve"

"It maybe… but it comes with a great price. Sasuke, remember all those lesson on being a badass bishounen emo? This… this is forbidden" Itachi closed his eyes, waiting for a retort.

When his brother approached him, clad in the horribly orange jumpsuit his target wore, he had worried about those lessons he gave him. The speech was definitely bishounen, yet; his fashion sense is screwed up. Well, it's time to use the whip again. It's been a while since having this internal monologue, Itachi decided, so he decided to listen to what his brother had been saying

When only strangled gasps was heard, he opened them. Dear Log, Itachi thought horrified.

There they were, Naruto and Sasuke in a strangled mess, writhing and gasping. All of Naruto's clothes were gone, save for his underwear. As for Sasuke, he was almost stripped naked.

"Damn it teme, you owe me new clothes!" Naruto yelled

"There are more of these ultimate powered clothes? Tell me more Naruto! _Tell me more!_"

**END**


	3. Take 2!

Damn it Naruto! Take 2!

* * *

Feigndeath: What if Sasuke really did kill Naruto? Dire consequences will happen as Sasuke struggles to cope with the fact Naruto was gone. Or will he?

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, I really wouldn't want to either. It's a miracle Kishimoto isn't assassinated yet…

* * *

'Finally, Itachi I've obtained ultimate power! I will kill you and make you relive the horrors that I've faced when you massacred the clan!'

_Flashback_

"_Hello gaki, I'm Mitarashi Anko and I'm going to teach you about your body and the horrible, horrible, changes that come with it. Let's start with hair!" Anko chirped._

"_NOOOOO!" Sasuke screamed, but it was too late. His mind has been tainted_

_Flashback End_

"_Yes… Be a good boy for Anko-sama Sasuke, be a good boy" _

'_Oh god, I can still hear her voice! Oh god!' _

"Yes Itachi, you will pay!" And then Sasuke laughed maniacly, his new set of eyes swirling with anticipation.

"Uhh… what the hell happened?" Naruto's voice asked.

And suddenly, the fact that Naruto was alive crashed down on his head, specifically his eyes. The Mangyekou Sharingan disappeared, turning back to the three tomoes.

"Damn it Naruto you messed it up! Take 2 Naruto!

**END**

**Feigndeath: **Yeah it's very short…


End file.
